I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
