the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
