I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
