please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
