ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
