I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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