Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
