I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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