Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
