you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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