Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
