seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
