Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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