If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
