i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
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