He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
