he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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