My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
