I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
