you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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