Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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