I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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