I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
