saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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