Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
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This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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