I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
