I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
