I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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