and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
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cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
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That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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