Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
