bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
