he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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