dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
