I hate all girls vehemently.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
