Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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