I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
