the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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