The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
