Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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