I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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