It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
