he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
