If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
