Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
