apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
