and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
im calling her cock vulture from now on
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
