im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
