hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
