Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
