so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Randomize
