Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
