I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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