Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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