hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
A+ Viking dick
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
