sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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