Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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