I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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