when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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