i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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