PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
