I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
